And it occurred to me the other day that I wanted to start writing my own blog posts. Which is kind of funny, because I have never really enjoyed writing, like, ever. I had spits and spurts of time where I was a prolific letter writer, and I would write the occasional "essay" type thing, but as a general rule, it required too much brain space. Until now. And now I actually feel like doing it. I WANT to write. Which is still weird, and just a touch overwhelming.
Anyhow, I was talking to my grandmother about my blogging, and she recommended that I start off small. Just little articles here and there about things that pique my interest at the time. And I kind of laughed, as I have been writing this huge long post about Calvinism, that is supposed to be the start of a series as I work my way through what I believe the Bible says about Calvinism in general.
So, here is me starting small.
The thing that got me back to wanting to blog was some things I have been learning recently about my walk with the Lord, and the conviction the Lord has been bringing to me over my life and the way I have been living it. And the fullness of what I have been learning needs an outlet, hence the blogging. It is like I am busting with this amazing peace as a result of what the Lord has been teaching and even if no one ever reads my blog, it will still be a relief to talk about it.
I have been through quite a bit over the last year or two, a good deal of it my own doing, but the Lord has been using it to draw me back to himself. I will start at the beginning, kind of.
I got pregnant when I was 20, and had my daughter, Alexandra, when I was just turned 21. I was so overwhelmed with the responsibility of being a mother and the only thing I had the sense to do at that point was go to church and hope that somehow, someone would be able to help me find my way.
I still doubted God, and I was terrified that God didn't exist at all, so what was the point of following him. But, something in the back of my mind kept reminding me that God was real, even if I couldn't see him, and that if I kept searching after him he would reveal himself more fully in time. Honestly, it felt like I wasn't searching at all. All I could manage was to drag myself to church every Sunday.
Then, in February this year I joined a Reformed singles fellowship group. I had friends who had met and married through this group, and I had this sneaky little hope that maybe I would meet someone on there. But, I quickly realized that the fellowship that I received from the other Christian singles on there was so much more satisfying than "looking" for a spouse. I started growing even more, and being challenged to continue putting God first.
Then recently, one of my friends posted on the group about the fact that if we are unable to put our relationship with God first and foremost in our lives through regular devotions and prayer with him then we shouldn't be looking for a spouse. And that hit me REALLY hard. Because here I am, almost never reading God's word and expecting the perfect godly man to turn up. What a hypocrite am I?
That post by my friend was the straw that broke the camel's back, as the saying goes. It was the last straw after months of God convicting me for my refusal to put him first. Along with all the other things he was convicting me over, like what movies I was watching and what music I was listening to. And my flesh hates when I submit to God's Word in my life. But, the peace that I have received just from simply obeying God's Word is something I have never experienced before. And it is amazing.
I am going to keep screwing up as I go through life, but I have had a taste of what God's peace feels like after all these years of being a Christian and screwing up left right and centre because I was trying to be a Christian in my own strength.
All I have to do is obey God's Word and trust him with the rest. Because he will change me. All I need to do is let him. That realization has totally changed my life, despite all the uncertainty and fears that do their best to plague me.
God truly is a good God. :)
In the words of the movie God's Not Dead.....
God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good. :)